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A little smile on her face .. , .. ?

Mh, . . he suprised me. He came after school to me, .. and i looked like , .. i don't know, .. but really bad. . and he said i would look beautiful. . I think i was happy , .. to see him.
But i was also confused. Mh. I don't know what to think. . , ..
what to feel, .. what to do. . He went home before 1 hour.. and he let his sweatshirt here. (: Wuawh, . i think i'm gonna sleep with his sweatshirt, .. and maybe i'll wear it tomorrow in school. I don't want to go to school, .. but i have. ._. i should go to school, .. otherwise i miss so many new things, which we learn.
.__. i don't know. i'm actually really happy, .. i think. I'm happy that i could spent time with him today, .. but i can't show this happiness, .. i try to ignore it, .. because i'm afraid, .. when i show my feelings , .. i admit him to hurt me , .. but if i don't show him my feelings he'll think i haven't got any feelings for him, .. and then i'll lose him, .. and i don't want to lose him! I want to be happy, .. happy with him together. Maybe i should forget all the pain, .. and just see the good things . . I love him ._. so i should do it, .. just for him, . . .
16.12.09 00:19

- i don't know.

This day is so senseless . I feel really bad. I wasn't at school. I'm lying the hole time in my bed . . and i'm watching TV. Mhh. But i want to do other things. I should learn something for school, .. but i can't .. my thoughts are somewhere else, .. not here. .
I feel so empty, .. i don't know how to describe this feeling.
I'ts weird, ... i actually feel nothing. Everything go past me, .. and i don't realize it. It's like i'm not really here. My body and everything formal is here. , .. but my thoughts, feelings, .. my soul, .. everything inner is far away . . I don't feel anything, ..
just this emptiness. I hope it'll come away, .. this emptiness. .


I know my entry's are mh, . sad ? ..
But i haven't psychological problems ! ..
I'm normal, .. ! .. But at the moment ..
i don't want to talk with somebody about my problems.
So i write the most things here in this blog. .
and it helps me. I feel free, .. when i wrote these things here.
Because i actually really need someone to talk, ..
but i don't know if someone would understand me . .
and i'm not the person who talks about her problems.
i'm the person who tried to be strong, .. who shows everyone
always the positive site of her, .. who always smiles.
15.12.09 14:55


Wow. I don't know how he is able to do it, .. but he makes it. .
So often. , .. but i love him; .. so i forgive him, like always.
I love him too much, .. i don't see the mistakes, ..
although these mistakes are hurting me. i love him more than everything else. Sometimes i really ask me how it could come to this. Everything was so perfect. And now .. .__.
he loved me , .. more than his own life. he has done everything for me .. and i know i can't except these things from him after all i've done. but .. i think i live in the past. . sometimes i except little things from him .. but all i get are disappointments.
I really try to do everything perfectly . If i'm angry i don't show it to him, .. i just smile . i try to forget what he did, .. and it work. . just because i love him so much, .. I try to not do mistakes.
I'm trying to be perfect, .. for him. . and i don't except many things from him, .. nearly nothing, .. but he says that he loves me .. and then he makes things which are hurting me. i don't understand it .. and now i'm sitting in my room and crying, .. why it has to be so complicated ? .. i really love him. i do love him so much, .. but i don't know how , .. sorry. i'm too confused .. i can't write anymore .. it just hurts. sorry .__.
14.12.09 17:07

Why ? ..

I don't understand it. Why is everything so complicated ?
Why is everything so painful..? And why do i do everything wrong ? ..

Everything was perfect between us.
He said me that he would love me.
It was so wonderful. At this moment i was the
happiest person ever. *__* it felt so good to
hear these 3 words from him. So .. undescribable .
I was sooo happy. I'm always happy when i'm with him.
But in this moment i think my heart stopped beating.

He said that he has a good feeling, .. that it would maybe work between us. okay he didn't say it clearly, but he said he has a good feeling for christmas. that something good would happen.
And i think he meant that we would start a relationship again.
When he said it, i was *___* like wuawhawuhwauh.
GOSH, .. these feelings, .. when i'm with him. . are so CRAZY.
Really, i never felt this before. It's so... woawh.

Ouhw wait he's calling me.
12.12.09 23:14

About the girl

Hey. My name isn't important, i think. I'm 15 years old. And i'm in love. That's the most important fact. Yah, .. i'm so in love with this one boy. We were happy together, 9 months. But then i made the biggest mistake in my Life. I broke away from him. I don't know why. Maybe i needed my time. But this one month without him was really weird. I wasn't myself. Everything changed. I made many things, which hurted him. In this one month, i didn't though about the things i did. I tried to forget him. It was really hard and i don't know why i did these things. But everyone make mistakes. So, after this month i noticed that i love him more than everything else. . , that i couldn't live without him, that i need him. I came back to him. I talked with him about everything. I was so sorry about the things i did. I knew that it wouldn't be easy. But i loved him and i was all set to do everything to show him that seriously loved him. Since nearly 7 months i did it, and i still do it. It's really complicated. I really love him . And i'm gonna fight till i have no more force. Sometimes everything is okay between us. . but then, other times.. the memories come back and then he's weird to me.. and sometimes he hurts me. But that's okay, i think. I gave everything up for him, .. because i love him. And i don't regret it. He means so much to me. I can't live without him. I know so many people say that. . and i'm young. But my feelings to him are so strong. I never had so strong feelings for somebody. He's my first love.. and my only love. Although he changed. . He doesn't show me his feelings. He said he can't trust me. And it hurts . But i understand him. I hurted him.
I always though love would be stronger than anything else, but maybe i was mistaken.
5.12.09 16:39


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